There are plenty of things that I want to say, that will probably make this pressure on my chest feel better, but I can't for some reason. I don't know that reason. I really don't want to sound like some ranting kid, or some lost boy. I'm only half of each of those. Kid Lost. Totally should be a superhero name. A directionless superhero, doesnt know what to save or where to start. I don't know. Today is not a good day. Tomorrow might be. I hate that I can't put up with feeling crappy. Like, it's been almost twenty years, I should be used to this by now or at least not be so suprised when it happens, right? Bad days happen, bad dreams happen, bad feelings happen. The world isn't all good. We'd like to think it is, but if you look around, it's not. When you appreciate the little things, you let the little things get to you, too. Stuck-like. It's not wrong to let the little things make you happy, but then you're stuck with letting the bad things get to you because you're so used to looking at them. You can't look at the world through a microscope. It's a lot bigger than that. I get that. I do, really. But I have somebody who makes the world seem so little compared to us. Like it's going to be easy to conquer it, because it feels almond sized. That doesn't make sense, but not a whole bunch does anymore.


I had a nightmare. I've had worse, but this one shook me. I couldnt be at work, couldn't talk at work. And I had myself doing the actual human being thing so well for awhile. I was convinced I could be affectionate and look and be close and be happy and be patient and useful and good and right and then one little thing put a crack in that. Crack was fixed, just not with the entire world. Just with her. I'm listening to Train until my ears fall off or I feel like marathon-ing six feet under all day because I don't work and I barely slept in, for what my schedule is. I have nothing planned today, maybe thats a good thing.


Little things to look at:

If It's Love
Fall Out Boy t-shirt
January
Books to read
The poster next to the bed
The fact that the phone will ring
I promised


I think that list is longer than the bad one. The bad one?

Back to Square 1
Chest pressure


I'll be okay. I have to.