Boys of Seclusion - 4

Frank's mother's funeral was the most tragic event Gerard had ever been to. It was the first time he and Frankie had ventured out of his room in almost an entire week, and for such a sad reason. He held on to Frank's hand, felt the kid squeeze tightly as they lowered the casket into the ground and heard Frank let out an uneven, raw breath next to him. He hadn't cried yet, and Gerard was sure Frank was going to cry at one point during the day, and he'd braced himself for it. But, nothing came.

"Fuck going to the wake," Frank mumbled against Gerard's shoulder when they reached the car together, alone. Gerard felt Frank nuzzle against his arm and he pulled the boy into a hug.

"You don't want to go?" Gerard asked.

"No. It's at Aunt Claire's. She told me I don't have to step foot in that house until next week, so..." Frank answered and pulled the sleeves of his jacket down over his gloves as far as they could go. Gerard was pleased to see that Frank's fingers didn't look raw today. They were still damaged and they were going to be, but considering the affair, Frank was actually very calm.

"Stupid fucking tie," Frank said and pulled at his neck tie, trying his best to loosen it. When he couldn't, Frank simply shoved his hands into his pockets and bit his lip. "I'm sorry I'm being so... I don't..." Frank started and stopped himself and looked at anything but Gerard. The older boy wasn't sure what Frank was trying to say, but cut off sentences were really a step up from being completely silent the entire day. Gerard had tried everything to get Frank to talk, but he just wouldn't, not even when they were in his room. Him talking now was kind of a shock to Gerard.

Gerard's body tensed as Claire came striding up next to the two of them, her eyes wet, over dramatic black veil over her face. The entire time the funeral was commencing, Gerard was sure he'd throw up. He was sure he'd melt right into his seat in the pew. Never had he ever been around that many people at once. None of them were really paying attention to him, but. He wasn't a part of the Iero family and that must have made him stand out more somehow. Claire certainly noticed.

"I'm so glad you came today, Gerard, honey," she said, as she gripped his shoulder with a vice-like grip. She turned her attention to Frank who was leaning against Gerard's mother's car and looking the opposite way from his aunt. His clenched jaw made it evident that he really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody. "Frank? Honey, you should probably go talk to a few of your cousins. They haven't seen you in such a long time," she said.

"No," Frank said simply, still no bothering to look at her.

"No?"

"I didn't stutter, Aunt Claire. I said no. I'm going home with Gerard and Mrs. Way. I don't want to go the wake, and I don't want to go talk to my cousins. I just want to get the hell out of here as soon as I fucking can. Okay?" Frank said, each of his words louder and louder after he had finally turned his neck to look at the woman standing before him as if it were the 1920's. "You look ridiculous, by the way," he muttered as an after thought.

Gerard bit his lip, unsure if he wanted to laugh or to tell Frank not to say things like that, especially in a cemetery. It was rude. His Aunt Claire made that painfully obvious, her hand hovering somewhere around the middle of her throat, looking appalled through her veil. Gerard just wished she would stop glancing at him for an answer, like what Frankie said was his fault.

"Did you teach him those things?" She pointed a threatening finger at Gerard.

"Excuse me?" Gerard retaliated. "I haven't done one thing wrong to your nephew. I also didn't put it in his head that he shouldn't spend time with his family. Obviously, Ma'am, you're a little upset, so when you calm down, please tell my mother that Frank and I went back home," Gerard paused and looked at Frank who nodded in approval. "Thank you, Claire," Gerard said finally and took Frank's hand into his own shaking, cold one. Talking back to an adult wasn't something he'd done before, but. He hadn't put things into Frank's head about telling Claire she looked like an idiot. That was just obvious. He looked back at the woman standing there as if she's just seen a ghost as they exited the cemetery and he didn't look back after that.



"I didn't know you had that in you," Frank said a little impressed. "I mean, you were even polite about it. How... How could she think that you’re a bad influence on me? You're really not. So, don't think that, okay?" Frank squinted up at Gerard through the sun in the sky and smiled weakly at him. Gerard was beginning to understand that he could possibly learn a lot from Frankie. Because while the kid had issues, he wasn't exactly not smart.

"I don't think that. I'm barely an influence on you now, and you're leaving in a week. Just. It's scary to think about. Aren't you scared?" Gerard asked, and stopped on the corner. "I'm not even; I'm not scared for me, and being alone again. I mean, yeah, that's pretty shitty to even think about. But. School? You? I mean, that's high school. I see what kind of shit it does to Mikey, and I don't know. I want you to be okay. I'm going to worry about you," Gerard admitted and shook his head. It wasn't the best thing to admit, because it probably put things into Frank's head about how bad public school could be, but Gerard's only brush with public school was terrible and it made him fear people. He didn't want that for Frankie.

"You... Worry about me?" Frank asked, almost hesitant. Gerard looked at the boy, confused.

"Yeah. I worry about you. I don't think it's okay for you to be going to school so fast after all this has happened to you. I don't think. I don’t know, but it just seems weird. Wrong, something. I... I'm shutting up," Gerard said.

"You know? I think you're getting better," Frankie offered, and watched his feet as they walked, the sidewalk uneven and cracked. "I... I’m not saying it's because of me, but like." He paused. "Um. I'm not sure how social phobia works or whatever, but maybe because you're... okay around me, it's getting better to be around other people too. Not... Or maybe because you can be with me, you're kind of seeing that not everybody's out to hurt you. I know I'm not," Frank shrugged.

Gerard thought about Frank's theory for a moment and let the breeze openly touch his face. He smiled sadly. "But you did hurt me. I'm not holding it against you," Gerard added when Frank looked at him offended. "But that day in the tree house you wailed on me. Like. But I know now that you wouldn't and that you were just upset. I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe my fears are kind of going away. That doesn’t mean that I want to be without you though. It's like you said; I'm kind of stronger with you more so than without you."

Saying these things to Frank felt unlike any conversation the two of them have had thus far. Admitting things like being weak and in need of somebody else to have near wasn't something that was just said everyday. At least not in Gerard's world. His small basement sized world. But, it was basement sized and that was room enough for two people.

"Is your mom going to completely lose it when she gets home?" Frank asked after a pause in their conversation, which was for the most part, Gerard's fault.

"I don't know. I hope not. I hate fighting with her. I mean, granted, it doesn't happen all the time or anything, but. We'll see. I think she... gets, um. Us? I think she gets us. No, what? Never mind. Come on, let's get home." Gerard shook his head and glanced over at Frank. He saw the smile on the kid's face, but really didn't want to push it because it was getting awfully warm outside. Frank held tighter on Gerard’s hand the entire way back home, though. And that had to count for something.

When in the basement, Gerard closed the door and turned the lock securing both of their safety. "That must get old, huh?" Frank asked, and took his usual position against the bed, the camper bed folded up in the corner, utterly forgotten about since day one. He slipped off his black gloves and inspected his fingers, rubbed them up and down his knees.

"What gets old?"

"Locking the door? You didn't always keep it closed, right? And then to lock it?" Frank shrugged. "Just, I think that's kind of awesome that it’s like a routine we have now, or something, I guess," Frank muttered and slipped his hand into Gerard's linking their fingers together. Gerard smiled for just so many different reasons.

"Yeah. No, it's not really a big deal. Hey... Um. Are... Are you okay? Like. With what happened today, and just... Everything?" Gerard asked, really not understanding why Frankie wasn't taking this as hard as he thought the kid would.

"I'm not, like. I'm not perfect y'know? But, I think... I'm going to be disgusted by this whole situation and I'm going to be depressed or whatever, because I have no fucking family. It's just... Gerard, I really don't want to even think about it, okay? I'm... I'll live, though. And, I... obviously I'm safe. So. Just leave it? Please?" Frank begged.

Gerard leaned forward on his own and kissed Frank's lips slowly. "Okay," he said, their foreheads brushing. "If you need me..."

"...You're here, I know," Frank whispered and kissed Gerard. The material of Frank's gloves felt overheated and rough as it trailed up Gerard’s neck. And suddenly kissing Frank was a completely different experience. Or, so it felt like. It wasn't a kiss to make things just go away like Frank had said before. The boy was being greedy. He was pushing and whimpering. Frank was on the verge of crying as he kissed Gerard. This, figuring this out, Gerard pushed back and tried his best to make the kiss feel like it could make everything just go away, because even if Frank wasn't going to admit it, he was hurting and Gerard didn't want that.

Gerard placed his hand on the back of Frank's head, and curled his fingers around the boy's thick hair. Gerard really couldn't move other than that. Every motion, every move was coming from Frankie and it all seemed very desperate and frantic, like he had no idea what he was doing and that that was the last thing that even mattered. Gerard could just sense, just feel it that Frank wanted to be wanted.

And he was.

The clock still wasn't fixed and that was in the interest of both Gerard and Frank, so really Gerard had no clue how long they sat there, just kissing and holding each other. He didn't know, but he also didn't really care. Time ceased to exist and that was, for once, a good thing. The only other occasion time had stopped for Gerard was when he was at school that first day and he was pushed to the ground. The world stopped then. And the world had stopped now, only the ache wasn't there this time.

Just as Gerard brought his and Frank's clasped hands together to rest on his chest his door opened and he and Frank pulled apart faster than humanly possible and there stood Gerard's mother in the doorway, confused, shocked and by the looks of it, a little angry. She was hiding it though. Disappointment etched along her face. Gerard couldn't stand to look at his mother like that, and she held a key in her hand, which made sense as to how she got in, so he looked over at Frankie who had pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face there. His surroundings in addition to his heart beating faster than it ever had, Gerard dropped his head into his hands too. He was learning from Frank already.



The most awkward and uncomfortable silence fell upon the room until finally Gerard's mother spoke, just after she placed the skeleton key on the dresser. "Um. What exactly is going on in here, Gerard?" she asked in her meant-to-be-quiet-voice. Gerard hated that voice. It was a voice his mother used when she didn't want to show him that she was angry with him. He cringed and tried to explain.

"Nothing?"

"You don't so sure about that."

Gerard glanced back over at Frank who had surrendered to pulling his sleeves so far over his gloves that they weren't showing anymore and then balling his sleeves into fasts and biting his lip so hard that it began to turn white. Gerard really didn't want to add anymore pressure or stress on the kid and this. This was just really, really bad.

"We... I, we. I don't know, Mom. It just," Gerard looked over at Frank for help. Nothing. "It just kind of happened. I don't," Gerard stopped himself, because he was going to get nowhere with choppy sentences.

"Fine, you don't know? Well, Frank will sleep upstairs in the living room on the couch, and. I'm sorry, but, Frank I will be calling your aunt about this," she said sadly. Frank just went stiff.

"Mom, you can't. That woman's a complete-"

"-No, Gerard. You should know that what you were doing wasn't right. It just. It wasn't right, and Frank is an impressionable child. He'll sleep upstairs. I. I'm going to make dinner," she said, as if that were going to solve this little incident. She left the door open and took the skeleton key with her, mumbling things about trust and leaving on time, waiting for her.

"Jesus fucking Christ, dude," Frank said, hoarse and embarrassed. "I. You didn't tell me she had a key. I'm. And then I got you into trouble. Us, into trouble. I'm. No, don't. Don't touch me. God," Frank pulled away from Gerard and shook his head. "I'm so sorry, Gerard. I shouldn’t have kissed you back like that."

"Frank? No. No, listen. She's mad, yeah. But, you don't actually believe her do you? About us being wrong? How could you believe that?" Gerard asked, afraid of the answer.

"I don't. I don't believe it. That's just it. I can't. Oh, God. She thinks we left my mother's funeral to... Oh, shit. She cannot think that. That's not true. And Aunt Claire. And.... Fucking hell," Frank shrieked, flailing his hands around. "Gerard. What're...?" Frank threw himself against Gerard and hugged him tight.

"What if? What if Aunt Claire makes me go live at her house early? What am I going to do without you?" Frank whispered into Gerard’s shoulder.

Gerard shook his head, because honestly, he didn't know. He just knew that they shouldn't be punished for what they did. It wasn't wrong. Why couldn't anybody see that?

Gerard had nothing to say to his mother when she told them that lunch was ready. They would eat in the kitchen where she could see them and Gerard would go back downstairs. If Frank was going with him, the door needed to stay open. Gerard sat in silence, picking apart a breadstick, watching Frankie across the table go between biting his fingernails and his own breadstick. Gerard thought that the kid looked very concentrated on something. Apparently he was.

"Um... Mrs. ...Mrs. Way? Ma'am, can I ask you something?" Frank asked carefully. Gerard sat up a little in his chair. He and Frank hadn’t discussed talking to his mother about what had just happened, and even if they were going to Gerard was pretty sure she would wait until his father got back home. She turned her head slowly towards Frank.

"Yes, Honey, go ahead."

Frank fidgeted in his chair and glanced at various different objects in the room, the toaster, the oven, the shelves, all while scraping his fingers under the table. "Well, um. See.... I don't know why you're mad, Ma'am. I don't. I don't understand what Gerard and I did wrong," Frank nearly whispered. Gerard noticed that Frank was trying his best to keep eye contact, though it appeared difficult. "I just. I know that I didn’t feel bad for it, Mrs. Way. And um. We didn't just come back here because..." Frank waved his hands under the table a little and inclined his head. "We wouldn't do that. Gerard wouldn't do that, Mrs. Way. He's really good to me. And um. I don't. He's. He's been taking, like. Really good care of me. But, okay. My... My question is, well. How come what we were doing was wrong?" Frank finally kept eye contact, just as he asked his question and even Gerard was kind of falling apart to Frank. His eyes were so big that it almost was inhuman. And Gerard's mother was stumped.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times before actually speaking. "Well, Frankie, honey. It was wrong because Gerard's much older than you," she said hopelessly.

Frank bit his lip and shook his head while she answered. "But, Ma'am, he really doesn't feel like it. I. I don't think; in our situation that Gerard being four years older than me matters. Mrs. Way, you don't understand-"

"-Oh, I don't understand?" she asked, incredulously.

"No. Ma'am. You don't," Frank said and looked at Gerard. "Mrs. Way, please hear me out?"

Gerard looked at his mother and she looked at him. If there was ever a time when Gerard thought his mother could read his mind, this was one of them. She was curious. Her eyes narrowed at him. She stared right at Gerard but said, "Go on, Frankie, I'm listening."

Gerard couldn't believe what was even happening. How could Frank be standing up for them like this? Talking to his mother like this hadn't even crossed his mind. How it came across Frankie's was a mystery.

"I need your son," Frank started. "No. Wait, yeah. No, yeah. I need him. I need him," Frank fought with himself for a moment before he nodded and continued. "That felt good to say," Frank said to Gerard. They smiled at each other for a moment before Frank began explaining himself again. "Um. So. Okay. You're a really nice mom, Mrs. Way. You really are and I appreciate everything you and your husband are doing for me. On top of your food and your hospitality, Gerard has... Gerard has been making me feel better. I don't. He's just kind of there. And he knows, like how to make me forget that I don't have a family. Just holding his hand is... It helps. It really does, and we didn't tell you, but I took, like, the biggest fit at my house last week and I mean, I broke shit - things, sorry. I meant things. And he. Gerard just calmed me down and helped me. Um... And... Jesus. Kissing your son? Mrs. Way, I'm sorry if you're like... uncomfortable with that, but everything just goes away. All of it. Aunt Claire, my... my parents. Just everything. And, yeah. I'm fifteen and Gerard's nineteen. But. He needs me too. I can just. I can feel it when I'm with him. Please. Please, don't take that away from us. Please?" Frank asked, finally finished with his speech, face red, eyes wet. He looked over at Gerard and let out a breath, finally dropping his chin into his chest.

The room was just buzzed with absolute silence. Gerard's throat was dry and he hadn’t said a word. He didn't dare look at his mother though. Her being quiet after something like that said couldn't have been good. At all. Gerard felt like he was in court or in front of a crowd. His face was hot and shivers were running up and down his back. He was surprised his breathing even normal at this rate.

"Gerard?"

Gerard slowly raised his head to look at his mother, leaning against the counter. The expression on her face was hard to read. She seemed rather smug about something, though; Gerard really couldn't tell if she were really just disgusted by the whole thing. Gerard took a deep breath.

"Is what Frankie said true?"

Gerard gave himself a moment to answer and then, "Yes. Yeah, all of it. It's true," he said a little ashamed, because just looking at his mother, he felt like he should have been ashamed of himself.

"So, just being with each other...? That helps the both of you? How so?" she asked, and pulled a seat out for herself. She was interested? Gerard's mother folded her hands on the table and looked between her son and Frankie. "Well, am I going to get an answer or do I have to call Claire?"

Frank squirmed in his seat, but Gerard answered for them. "No, Mom. No," he said. "Uhh. How...? How does being with each other help?" he repeated. "Well. Frankie kind of explained already -"

"-Yes. His side of the story. I want to hear why you need him so badly," she smiled. It was, again, a very hard to read kind of smile, but Gerard thought that if Frank could stand up to her about them, then so could he.

"Why do I need Frank?" Gerard asked and dropped his hands under the table as well. He hadn’t really even told Frank this yet, but, "Because he gives me reason to live," Gerard said as he looked directly at his mother. "He's this innocent, little kid and he needs somebody to protect him. He needs somebody to listen when he needs to say something. He doesn't have that and I really don't know why, but I want to give that to him. I want to make sure that somebody's there when he wakes up from a nightmare and needs to be held. Mom, I've never felt so strongly about wanting to keep any one person so safe in my whole life. There's something about him that makes me feel... I don’t know. Makes me feel, I guess. You remember what happened a few years ago. I'm not. I don't ever want him to get to that point. If he needs somebody, then I want to be who he needs. Not his Aunt, not his cousins. Me," Gerard said and finally looked over at Frank. Speaking about the kid like he wasn't even in the room just felt weird, especially since he had been hanging on Gerard's every word. "So. Mom, please. Don't. Don't call Claire. I know we barely explained this, but. We weren't doing anything wrong, so..." Gerard folded his hands and gave up. He was exhausted, and his mother had to understand.

The silence in the room was loud and biting. Gerard kept his eyes on the table until he was spoken to again.

"Gerard, I apologize for not knocking. I don't know what came over me. We'd been looking for that awful key forever and I just thought. I’m sorry, Sweetie," she said and put her hand over Gerard's. "And I apologize to you as well, Frankie. Honey, I know things must just be awful for you right now. I had no idea the two of you were so close. It just. I was startled. That's all. How come the two of your keep the door locked to begin with?" she asked.

Gerard immediately answered. "To keep him safe."

"Not for...?" his mother let her sentence trail off.

"Oh, no. Jeez, Mom. No," Gerard blushed furiously and covered his face with his free hand. He caught a glimpse of Frankie before his eyes were covered and he too was blushing. Not really enjoying being brave anymore.

"All right. I'm sorry. I really had no idea the two of you were... What exactly? In this complete understanding of each other?" she looked between Gerard and Frank with curiosity.

Gerard shrugged. "I guess so."

Gerard's mother paused and bit her lip. "Well, that's. That's just wonderful. Honey, I'm so glad you have a friend. Oh, this is just. I'm so sorry for being so close minded, boys. We should have cake. Right?" she asked and stood up. The tears in her eyes a little more than obvious. "Cake. Chocolate. You two go downstairs. I'll call you when it's ready. Or go watch television or something. Just go be. Together. Just. Go on," she said.

Gerard stood up and was pulled into a bear hug by his mother, nearly all of his bones crushed when she let him go. She then did the same to Frankie. "Now, I won't be calling your aunt today, but you two have to promise me you'll behave. I don't care how much you feel like you’re the same age. Gerard, you're older and Frankie, you're just so tiny."

Gerard slipped his hand into Frankie's, and felt good to have it open like that. "Mom, what are you implying?"

She looked at him confused and sort of blank for a moment. And then she smiled. "Nothing. Go, or no cake. Did you two get enough to eat? Your father should be home soon. Mikey's going to be at a friend's house tonight for dinner, so do you two just want to eat downstairs or maybe outside?"

"Mom?" Gerard said, and she stopped halfway through a cookbook. "Um. Could we? Could we just not tell Dad or like. Or Claire about... Us? I don't think they're going to understand as much as you do. Dad doesn't read romance novels and I'm pretty sure Claire has never heard of the word, so..." Gerard smiled and hugged his mother. She nodded and promised to not make a big deal out of the two of them anymore.

"How did you even get up enough guts to talk to my mother like that?" Gerard asked Frankie, halfway down the steps to the basement.

"The thought of leaving you sucked ass, so I had to do something. I don't know. I'm fucking exhausted now though. I feel all dizzy or something. I'm pretty stoked though, ya know? That it worked. I didn't think she'd care," Frank shrugged. "So. I mean. That's good. That she did. Care."

Gerard locked the door, unsure if that was actually fine with his mother or not and sat down next to Frankie by the bed and draped his arm over the kid's shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked the top of Frankie's head. The kid's hair smelled like his own, because Frank was using their shampoo instead of the kind at his house. It was an odd homely scent and Gerard loved it on Frank.

"I am. Just. I don't know. I really like you. That's all. Just, seriously," Frank mumbled against Gerard's chest and got comfortable. "I'm not sure what I'd do without you."

"I know. Me either."

Gerard let a silence over come them as Frank idly rubbed his index finger against his thumb, eventually tearing off layers of dried skin, and he let it fall to the floor. Gerard just held on to Frank and thought about what it would actually be like if Frank were without him - if he were without Frank. It really hadn't been very long, and he wasn't over his fears yet, because that really may never happen, but he was pretty sure that if he had Frank it was going to be fine. And in a week, what if things weren't going to be fine?

Frank looked at Gerard for a moment with big brown eyes, smiled and then kissed Gerard. Neither of them really had any experience to go on, but with the force behind it and the need, Gerard felt like it had been their best one yet. Frank must have really needed to make something disappear for kissing Gerard so hard, and Gerard mentioned it.

"Well. I was kind of thinking. About us. I mean, like. I'm leaving in a week. The idea of not sleeping next to you or being near you just came into my head and. Dude, it wasn't good. It really wasn't good," Frank responded, and pulled himself closer to Gerard, nearly lying fully on top of him.

Thinking about it now, Gerard found that the two of them being on the same wavelength almost constantly was probably the most romantic thing that could ever happen to him; to have somebody nearly read your mind without it being fantastically creepy at the same time. Since he’d always had a hard time talking to people, and being around them, Gerard was pretty sure that there had to be something about Frankie that made him different. He saw through Gerard's stubborn shyness, and pushed right past it to get to the point where Gerard wanted nothing but to be with him. It might have been Frank's innocence and the way he saw good in everything and questioned everything. Gerard was just amazed by the kid's ability to be so strong in a time when he should have been falling apart. Maybe it was the fact that they were on the same page every single second of the day; they knew what the other wanted.

"I love you, Gerard."

Maybe it was that.

"Um. What?" Gerard asked, blank. He couldn't have heard right.

Frank pulled himself up and sat up against the bed. Gerard noted that he was scratching furiously at his hands, which meant he was nervous. Maybe he did tell the truth. Frank looked at Gerard with such bleakness that Gerard was altogether confused. The boy sighed and drew his knees up close. Since that morning, Frank had taken off his jacket, but hadn't changed his black buttoned dress shirt, nor rid his shoulders the stress of his black and white suspenders. He looked like he was right back in the church listening to his relatives sniffle and mourn over their loss. Saying what he did, Frank shouldn't look that way, Gerard thought.

"I... I said that I loved you. You don't have to say it back, though. I mean, you're probably going to tell me that I'm just a kid and wouldn’t know love if ran me over or something like that. But. I just. It. I don't know. I felt like it needed to be said. I'm sorry," Frank spoke quickly so much so that Gerard had to lean forward a little to catch all of it. Gerard knew that he didn't not want to say it back. That would have been stupid. But, he honestly wasn't sure if he was ready to say it. He said it to his mother, yes, because he did. He loved his mother. Admitting something like that to another person though, Gerard always thought it would make him sound so open. One thing he had always prided himself on was his ability to push people away when he could.

"I don't want to push you away," Gerard whispered. He slid his across the floor and pulled Frank's left hand out of his right one and held on to it.

"You're not going to. I promise. I. I could take it back if you want, but. I wouldn't mean it." Frank stared at Gerard with the quiet moment the older boy had let slip over them.

"You shouldn't take it back. You don't have to, I mean. I think. I... I've just. Nobody's ever really said that to me before," Gerard noted. "It's... You kind of caught me off guard for a second. I'm. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry. Don't worry. I've never said it to anybody before either. Or heard it. I mean, obviously from... my parents or whatever. But. Home schooling doesn't really present the opportunity of meeting new people. I just. Wanted to say it. I mean... Right? So. Jeez, was that even the right time to say it? Should--?"

Frank was cut off by Gerard's sudden burst of left over courage from their speeches with his mother. And his hands and lips. Those were the physical things that made Frank go silent. Maybe it was the fact that his mother decided this was okay. Maybe it was the fact that Gerard simply couldn't not kiss Frankie. Or maybe it was just Gerard acting on what he was unable to say.

Gerard fumbled a little to his knees and then in turn kneeled on his long, black scarves, hindering their kiss for a moment with a quieted 'oh crap' and a small tug on the material to get it out of the way. After that tiny episode, the kiss ran smoothly. It felt a lot like something Gerard couldn't place. It was beginning to feel familiar, kissing, but it wasn't getting old or stale. The intense shyness behind Frank's tongue was genuine and yet so small. The smell of being that close to a person, tasting the inside of their mouth was certainly a different feeling. One that Gerard almost couldn't believe he'd gone nineteen years without feeling. Of course, because he'd never actually been kissed before he stumbled over himself as did Frank, because really they were in the same boat. So, they fumbled together in all the wrong places and the awkward slowly turned to the passionate once they found their steps.

Gerard hadn't studied ballet and he would have bet his life that Frankie hadn't either, but it was sort of like that. In the sense that if you weren’t graceful, if you didn't do one thing right, every other move fell apart with it. Gerard would run his hand up Frank's neck and to the back of his head, which in turn had Frank move his hand around one of Gerard's scarves, losing his hand in all the long material. The breath caught between their open lips, forcing their lungs to expand and if being in love was anything like this, Gerard was pretty sure he wanted to study ballet and also maybe tell Frankie how he felt.

He couldn't yet, though. It was something Gerard noticed when he kissed Frank. Whether it was just quick to remind the kid he wasn't alone, or long kisses like this one, Frank held on to Gerard. One of Frank's hands, gloved or not would find a place on Gerard's body and just grip it until Gerard was sure there was no blood flow there anymore. And the tingling sensation would be even greater due to this fact. Now, it was Gerard's chest, more so to the left, right above his heart, Frank just kept his palm flat right there. Gerard found it awfully romantic that Frank would do something like that. He had no idea why Frank did it, but it made things that much more intimate.

"What?" Frank asked when Gerard pulled away.

"Nothing," Gerard answered, truthfully. "Nothing. I just... How come you do that?"

"Do what?"

Gerard glanced down at his chest where Frank's hand still was and then back at Frank.

"Oh. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't even realize. I'm..." Frank took his hand back, twisting his fingers between his other hand. The kid's forehead wrinkled, and he attacked his fingers with such quickness and precision on the exact areas on his fingers that he wanted that Gerard thought Frank didn't even realize what he was doing to himself anymore. It was always an uncomfortable feeling when Frank would absentmindedly or intentionally scrape at his fingers. Gerard did all he knew how to do to stop it; He pulled one of Frank's hands away and held it in his own.

"What's wrong, Frank?" Gerard questioned, as he took note to the shine in Frank's eyes.

"Nothing," he shook his head quick as if maybe his words didn't come out fast enough. "I'm. Nothing. Whatever. I'm... It's nothing," Frank tried to wave the issue away with his free hand, like none of it mattered, but Gerard was smarter than to know it wasn't just anything.

"If... Dude, look, if it’s about you...And the hand. I'm totally fine with it. Just. Completely forget I mentioned it, okay?" Gerard tapped out three fingers on Frank's knee to show him just how for he was with the touching thing. "Frank, talk to me." Gerard put his other hand on top of Frank's.

Frank bit his lip and looked at his knees. Resorting to silence or throwing things was something Frank had down to a science, and he knew just which ones to play at the right moments. Enough silence to scare Gerard into thinking there was something seriously wrong. Throwing things around enough to simply scare Gerard. At this point, though Gerard just couldn't figure it out. The kid's shaking silence was unbearable.

"Frank. Come on. What is it?" Gerard sat back down and squeezed Frank's hands tighter. "Come on. Come on. You can tell me."

"It's stupid. Like, it's pretty fucking stupid," Frank choked. "I mean," he just stopped himself mid-sentence.

"Try me," Gerard offered. "Seriously. I can see that you're upset, I don't want that," he said, and cupped Frank's smooth cheek into his hand. And seriously, the kid was something else. A watery smile played over his lips and Frank finally took a deep breath and let it out uneven and disgruntled.

"I was just. I was going to say that I just was wondering how my parents would react to this. To us. Like. Would they be mad at me? Would... would my mom act like yours did? And then I thought that, ya know, that's pretty fucking stupid because they're fucking dead and if they weren't I wouldn't have to begin with because we're both like these fucked up people and who don't leave their houses and can't stand people and yet we love each other. Or, well, okay I love you, but we never established that whole thing, but then you kissed me. And. I just. My mom isn't going to know. How completely fucked up is that? Right? Am I right?" Frank pulled his hands away from Gerard for mere seconds and then just all but threw himself into Gerard's chest, and knocked him over.

Their lips met, hard and heavy with the force Frank put behind it. Gerard was sure his lips would be bruised, felt bruised when they had connected with Frank's.

"Seriously, how fucking stupid is that?" Frank inquired after he had pulled himself away, still on top of Gerard. He buried his head into Gerard’s chest and got comfortable, though he was shaking and Gerard could hear that sound, that sound that was getting too familiar of when Frank was picking and tearing off the dead skin of his thumb. A dull click with each fingernail scraping against the epidermis. It was like Frank was peeling away everything that hurt to maybe get to the parts where nothing was felt anymore; where everything felt numb.

"That's not stupid, Frankie. You're not stupid. You're... You're scared. And you know what. You have every fucking right to be. And I know it’s not much, but I'm here. I was wondering when you'd cry today. You're so fucking strong for holding on. You are. And you're not stupid. You’re not. I think... Do you want to know what I think your mom would think about us?"

Frank sniffled. "Yeah. Tell me."

Gerard stroked through Frankie's hair and took a deep breath. "I think that your mom would have acted like mine did. Only. Only she wouldn’t have freaked at first like my mom did. I didn't know her and I'm sorry for that, Kid. I really fucking am, but. I bet she would be okay with us. No matter what," Gerard said. "She loves you, man. Nothing can change that. Okay?"

Gerard felt Frank let out a breath. "Thank you. God. Thank you."

"It's okay, Frank. You're going to be okay. I'm... I'm going to make sure of it. Anything you want and... Everything I can give you, I will. Just, let me know. Okay?" Gerard offered as he stroked Frank's hair and down his back. The weight of the kid was really nothing. Having him lay on top of Gerard was just one of the most comfortable feelings in the world. Gerard could feel every muscle in Frank's body tense and relax as he moved against Gerard's chest. And felt his chest vibrate when he spoke.

"Will... Gerard? Will you visit her with me?" Frank asked meekly.

"Who? Your mom?"

Frank lifted his head, hair a mess, as it stuck up in all different places. Gerard smoothed some of it down and Frank nodded. "Will you go back to the cemetery with me? Please? Just us. I hated. I hated having everybody there and I couldn't even say anything to her. They fucking buried her and Dad together. Can we please? I want to tell them about us. Please?" Frank grabbed a fistful of scarf in desperation of his grand idea.

"That's. That's actually not a bad idea. When do you want to go? Tomorrow? Tonight?" Gerard said, absently playing in Frank's thick hair. He watched as Frank bit his lip. He was fighting back tears. That was just evident and so sad. Gerard hoped though, because Frank was getting what he wanted that they were tears of joy and nothing else.

"Soon. I don't know. Soon. I want them to know, you know? I... You mean a lot to me, and I know you were at the funeral for my mom and stuff, but. I just feel like. I feel like you need to tell them good-bye too. Will you please?" Frank asked and bit his thumbnail. "Come with me," he whispered.

"Yeah. We'll go... We'll. Do you want to go now? Are you ready to go now?" Before his entire question was even out, Frank was crawling off of Gerard and heading for the door. "I'll... take that as a yes," Gerard mused.

"Mom?" Gerard asked as they entered the kitchen. It smelled of chocolate already, the oven on creating heat all around. "Um," Gerard glanced at Frank. "Go ahead," he urged Frankie, though still held on tightly to his hand. Frank looked at his shoes and shifted his shoulders, uncomfortable in the jacket he had put back on.

"Mrs. Way? Um. I was just. I figure by now that everybody at the funeral must be gone. And. Could Gerard take me back? I wanted. I wanted to say goodbye by myself. Err, with Gerard. I... I didn't really get to and I just. I need to. Please?"

"We won't be gone long, Mom," Gerard added.

"Of course, Sweetie. Go ahead. Be careful. Gerard, you better keep an eye on that boy," she called down the hall, Gerard and Frank already at the front door.

Just like the commute to the art supplies store, the walk to the cemetery wasn't very long. Gerard couldn't tell if that was a good or a bad thing. Half of him wanted to take their time and do this slowly, but the other half wanted to get it over with or at the very least, get it started. Frank seemed nervous the entire way, going between biting his fingers and his lip. Gerard held his hand the whole way though, which is probably why he half wanted the walk to take forever.

Frank's hand went cold in Gerard's when they had actually made it there. The nerves just jumped off of Frank and made Gerard tense too. He had never spoken to Frank's parents before. And, alive or dead, they were his parents. Frank eased his way into the grass and sat down next to his father's grave, his mother's right next to it. While his mother's grave was obviously fresh, with earth still dug up, his father's grave was patchier. Gerard thought it best to stay quiet and let Frank do most of the talking.

"Coming here, there was... all this stuff that I wanted to say. I don't know what I even want to start with now," Frank told the headstones. He looked at Gerard. "I can't do this."

"Yes you can. Come on, Frankie, this was your idea. You can do it. Tell them anything. Tell them about us, about... anything." Gerard kissed Frank’s temple. "You can do this," he mumbled against Frank's skin. "I know you can."

"I don't know if I can forgive him, Gerard."

"Then tell him that."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Come on. Go ahead," Gerard coaxed.

Frank squeezed Gerard's hand and then took his back. Frank sat up on his knees and leaned on his heels, giving him a little bit of height. He pulled a few blades of grass out of the place next to him and shook his head. Gerard kneeled in the grass as well, and didn't care what it would do to their pants later. His mother was just known for her cooking. He rubbed Frank's back and tried to ignore the kid's constant tearing at his fingers and knuckles.

"Dad?" Frank whispered. "Um. I broke our guitar. I didn't mean to. Well, I meant to, but I. I didn't. You just. You left me. What was I supposed to do? But. It's... Aunt Claire will probably have my head for it, so. But, I'm sorry." Frank paused and sat down completely, and Gerard followed suit. "I'm going to miss you," he whispered.

Gerard watched Frank stretch his fingers and dig into his pocket. He pulled out that button from Gerard's jacket that honestly Gerard thought the kid had lost by now. "I know... I know this looks like the button from your jacket, but it's not. I don't know where your coat is. This is Gerard's," Frank said and looked at Gerard. "And this is Gerard. He's. Dad, Gerard is everything to me right now. He gave me this thing after I. I kind of gave him a black eye, but. He didn't get mad. I'm just. Um. Just wanted you to know. Okay?" Frank put the button back in his pocket and searched for Gerard's hand. "Bye, Dad."

Gerard leaned over and kissed Frank's head again. "He's okay, Frankie. You're okay," Gerard whispered against Frank's hair. "You okay?" He squeezed Frank's hand; the kid pushed his forehead against Gerard's.

"My mom," Frank said sadly.

"I know."

"She would've loved you. She would've. As much as me." Frank nodded.

Gerard let Frank crawl to his other side and watched as Frank pressed his hand down flat against the dirt, his reddened fingers clashing greatly with the brown earth. "Mom? I love you. I... I wanted, before we go. I wanted to tell you about Gerard. Um. But, I love you, okay? You know that. You know. And, so. Okay. Mom, this is Gerard. I told Dad already about him. Um. God, I love you, okay?" Frank made a fist of his hand, getting a handful of dirt in the process. "This is Gerard, though, all right? He's. He's being really good to me, Mom. He's helping me figure all... He's being good. He's helping. He's helping me forget, but I'm not forgetting you. I'm just. Forgetting that you're gone. He’s everything to me, Mom. His mom knows. She loves us. She's being really nice. With food. And. Stuff. She can't take your place, though. I’m going to miss you so much," Frank sobbed.

Gerard took Frank's other hand and held on tightly, feeling tears sting in the back of his eyes. He really couldn't believe Frank was saying good-bye. Gerard smiled sadly when Frank wiped his face with his dirty hand, smearing his cheeks with the wet dirt.

"What?" Frank asked.

Gerard simply shook his head and cleaned Frank's face for him with his sleeve.

"Gerard? Do you think they heard me?" Frank asked eyeing the graves.

"I think they did. It's hard not to listen to you, Kid," he said, and gave Frank a hug. "You okay?"

Frank just held on to Gerard, but nodded against his shoulder. "I want to go back home."

"You mean to my house?" Gerard asked.

Frank pulled away and slipped his hand into Gerard's. "Yeah. Home."