Boys of Seclusion - 8

In Gerard's opinion, the weekend passed far too quickly. Frankie was to go back to school the next day and the thought sickened both of them. Gerard didn't want to be away from Frankie, especially considering where he was going. He wanted nothing to happen to Frankie while he wasn't there. Gerard was afraid the kids hadn't forgotten about throwing whatever it was they threw at the car window. He didn't want Frankie going back to something like that. It was nearing midnight, and neither of them were asleep.

Gerard was sitting on the bed, legs out, sketching in a book, the light dim. Frankie's head was resting on a pillow on Gerard's legs and he was pulling thread after thread out of his glove, eventually tearing a piece of skin off of his thumb and sucking away any of the blood that surfaced. They were quiet, because nothing needed to be said. Gerard had grown awfully comfortable with having Frankie around. Just having the kid lay on him like they were was something he was going to miss while Frankie was at school. They would only be parted for the morning, and then Gerard was going to pick Frankie back up for lunch, but it still felt like that amputation saw was closing in on him again.

"What're you drawing?" Frankie asked, quietly. "Is it important?"

Gerard was simply doodling. It wasn't important. "Nothing, really. What's up?" Gerard moved the sketchbook out of the way in order to see Frankie’s face. "You okay?"

"Kind of. Kind of tired, I guess. Are you? Tired, I mean," Frankie asked, as he looked up at Gerard. "You're very comfortable, by the way," he smiled. Gerard made a face. "What? You are. I could just sleep here."

"Nah, come on. We'll just go to sleep, okay?" Gerard threw his book to the floor as Frankie sat up. After much crawling around the bed and getting comfortable, they finally got situated, though Frankie was still kicking his feet. Gerard laughed a little. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Sorry." Frankie's feet stopped. He licked his lips and got completely serious. "I love you, Gerard," he said, after a moment, looking not directly into Gerard's eyes, but at the corner of the pillow they shared. "And like. I mean. Yeah, you're like the only friend I have, but. I think it’s good. Ya know? And... Um. I know I was like really iffy about us before or whatever... And. I'm. Not. Anymore. Iffy. I mean, just being with you is like. It's good, ya know? I believe you now when you say that you're going to keep us together," Frankie paused for a moment as Gerard slipped his hand closer to him and ran a finger down Frankie's jaw. Because right then, Gerard found it completely necessary to do so.

"Continue," Gerard smirked.

Frankie blushed. "No. I mean. I'm done second guessing us. You're it for me."

For a brief moment, Gerard didn't move or say anything. His finger stayed mid stroke down Frankie's jaw. The absolute sincerity in Frankie’s face was remarkable; the firmness his eyes held was striking. They were practically glowing and Gerard couldn't stop himself from leaning forward to kiss Frankie. And over the past several nights, they would kiss good night. With each passing night, and with less and less of a worry on their minds, the two of them seemed more focused on pleasure rather than safety. There was still a force of trust and protection behind their lips, though a lust, a passion seemed to fill any other void that happened to be there before. Gerard tickled Frankie's neck with light touches, and more confidence in himself. Frankie's hands were quick to find Gerard's heart or his neck where he explained to Gerard one night that his pulse would thrum through in his neck, and Frankie liked that; Gerard was living. More so than anything though, they seemed to stay up later within the three days, kiss longer. Gerard never kept a close eye on detail, because meeting Frankie, he never paid close attention to detail, but each night, and they held each other longer. Their tongues seemed to move slower, more gracefully after getting used to what they were doing. Gerard had never felt so alive before. He had never felt so accomplished. Even on a Sunday night, before he was to let Frankie go off to school again, Gerard so distinctly needed.

Frankie seemed more eager than anything, his hand quickly finding that spot on Gerard's chest that he loved so much, and Gerard simply found comfort in the fact that they were doing this again. He had found this deep emotional and mental attraction to Frankie not days into meeting him, and suddenly a physical attraction, this awakening had hit him, and kissing Frankie was different all over again. Gerard parted his lips; gently ghosting his tongue over Frank's to do the same. And it had only taken two days for Gerard to realize that something like that, a small gesture like that was Frankie's favorite part about 'making out', as the kid so called it. So, they both grinned a little, tongues meeting with electric sparks like they always seemed to do.

When they broke apart, it was barely. "Thank you," Gerard whispered.

Frankie tucked a piece of Gerard's hair behind his ear. "For what? I didn't..."

"For believing in me. In us."

Gerard woke up the next morning to Frankie tapping out a one-two rhythm on his feet. Gerard couldn't remember falling asleep, but he knew at that moment that he didn't want to be awake. This meant Frankie had to go to school.



Frankie was dressed in all black, save for his suspenders being a solid red color, visible through the awkward position he was sitting in, and an unzipped hoodie. Gerard's hoodie. A hat Gerard couldn't remember Frankie packing before was pulled down well over his ears, his hair sticking out of the material at odd ends. He looked tired and afraid and Gerard hated that. He hated seeing Frankie so upset and fearful. Gerard sat up and let Frankie hug him.



"I'm so fucked today," Frankie predicted over Gerard's shoulder.



"No. No, you're not. Believe me, you'll be okay. I'm coming to get you for lunch. Or. No, actually my mom and I will come get you for lunch. She's getting the car taken in today," Gerard said, feeling Frankie's hands completely covered, a black pair of gloves covering the kid’s hands. "Did you wash them this morning?" He asked, concerned. Gerard was always concerned about Frankie's hands and feared infection or too much bleeding.



"Yeah. They're okay," Frank answered, dully. "I'm... Gonna miss you today. I feel spoiled. Ya know? 'Cause we had each other all weekend, and now I have to be gone," he smiled a little sour.



Gerard nodded his whole body into it. "Yeah. I know. But. It's only for a few hours. Can we manage? Eh, barely, but we will. I'm going to miss you too. Just. Be careful, okay? For me?" Gerard wrinkled his forehead, far too concerned for Frankie's well being that he could almost feel it messing with his own health; a sick churning feeling started in his stomach.



"I'll be okay. Or. I mean. I'll try Lunch is at noon, okay? Don't... Don't forget about me." Frank looked down at their hands for a long moment. "I saw the picture you drew of me." He smiled. "Have I mentioned I fucking love you?"



"You liked it?"



"Yeah. It was beautiful. You have so much fucking talent. I... You can't forget about me when you're famous and shit. Like... Try not to," Frankie pleaded, his voice small and near inaudible.



Gerard kissed Frankie's cheek, his forehead covered with hat. "I'm never going to forget you. Besides. I'm never going to have to. Remember? It'll always just be the two of us," Gerard said. He rested his forehead against Frankie's. "I promise."



Together, Gerard and Frankie made their way to the kitchen where Gerard was surprised to see his father and Mikey at the table, Mikey devouring a bowl of cereal like a wild animal and Gerard's father quietly reading the paper and divulging in a steaming cup of coffee. Gerard pulled out Frankie's seat for him and sat as well, good mornings, muttered all around.



Gerard smiled to himself as his mother placed a cup of coffee in front of him in his favorite black and white checked mug. She told Frankie to help himself to any of the cereal on the table. "Actually, can I have coffee too?" He asked a little shy. Gerard saw that Frankie was twisting his fingers around graphically under the table.

"Are you sure, Sweetie?" Gerard's mother asked. Frankie nodded, and she turned to get him a mug.

Gerard smiled and handed over his cup to Frankie. "Try it first. See if you even like it."

"Well... What's in yours?" Frank took the mug and eyed its liquid contents.

"Sugar," Gerard said simply. Mikey kicked his foot under the table. Gerard hadn't spoken to or seen Mikey in two days. "What do you want, Mikey?" Gerard asked as calmly as possible.

"Are we riding Frankie to school?"

"Yes. He has to go." Gerard felt Frankie tense up beside him, and he wasn't completely sure if it was from the strong coffee or that maybe Frankie could actually sense an argument starting. Though, Mikey shut up after he got his answer, and didn't kick Gerard's foot anymore. Instead, he poured himself another bowl of cereal.

"I like it," Frankie chirped up a little hesitant, and immediately took hold of the cup Mrs. Way set down in front of him. "Thank you," he murmured. Gerard smiled at Frankie, barely, and loved every similarity they shared, and love the differences even more. It set them apart; Frankie liked the side of the bed closest to the wall, Gerard didn't. Frankie liked staying up so late; he could watch the sun rise from behind the tree in the backyard, whereas Gerard wasn't so fond of that. Frankie liked writing; Gerard hated scratching his initials at the bottom of his artwork.

"Oh. Boys, we better get going." Gerard's father set down his paper and stood up. He kissed his wife good-bye and Gerard simply squeezed Frankie’s hand and mouthed a 'good luck' to him when their hands were separated. Frankie stuffed his hands in the pockets of Gerard’s hoodie, thanked Mrs. Way for the coffee and followed Mikey out the door.

"I hate that we promised that witch we'd get him to school everyday," Gerard grumbled over his coffee.

"He'll be all right. I told Mikey to keep a close eye on him while he can," his mother replied. "So. You want to come out with me today. I’m getting the car window fixed. The guy said it'd be awhile, but we could go to the art store if you've got anything ready."

"I guess," Gerard downed the rest of his coffee and stood up. "When are we leaving?"

"Get your coat."

Gerard slid into the passenger seat and slowly, carefully shut the door. For the first few minutes, the car ride was silent; Gerard's mother never really a fan of the radio. Gerard held a folder full of drawings with nervous hands. For a moment, he a snapshot went through his head of the woman in the store laughing in his face for handing in such awful work. He was quickly shaken out of his daydream, though when his mother cleared her throat.

"I asked you a question, Gerard."

"I'm sorry. Um. What?" Gerard looked at his mother and tried to take his mind off of Frankie for at least a minute.

"I asked you if you knew that I could hear the two of you in that basement." At least she had the decency to sound a little embarrassed by this little fact that Gerard had no idea of. Somewhere in his chest, Gerard's heart nearly gave out from this information. A blush so heavy and heated crashed over his cheeks, he was sure his mother could have felt it from where she was sitting.

"You. Wait. You what?" Gerard spluttered. He just was not grasping this.

"Oh. Through the vents and whatnot, Honey. I thought you knew. I hear the two of you all the time talking and such. It's adorable."

"Mom." Gerard paused and caught his breath. He didn't want to yell at her. "Mom. That's private, as adorable as it may be." Gerard's hands were no longer just nervous, but also shaking as well. Not once had he and his mother had "The Sex Talk", but Gerard felt that this moment was going to be it. He could feel it crawling up the seat, through the dashboard.

"I know it's private, but. You boys are getting awfully close. And. You just never seem to come out of that room. Unless you need to eat or go to the bathroom. I swear I've only seen that boy come out of the shower once since he got here." She rolled her eyes at a careless driver and continued her little lecture. "I'm just saying. If you two are going to be so close for so long, you have to. You have to keep me in the loop about things, Gerard."

Gerard breathed out a laugh, almost maniacal. He couldn't even grasp on where this conversation was going. "Mom? Exactly what kind of things do you hear Frankie and me talking about?" It was a stupid question. She most likely heard everything they said to each other, and with this thought in mind, Gerard felt his stomach plunge into his bent knees.

"Well. That. The two of you plan on being together forever, and that you love each other." She glanced at her son, his face buried in one of his hands, because she was throwing this around like it was nothing. She had no idea how much it took for Gerard to admit to loving Frankie. He groaned as she went on. "Now. Gerard, you know what happens when two people love each other..."

"No. Mom," Gerard smiled. "Enlighten me. Please," he said, and knew this was going to get uncomfortable for her as well. If he was going to suffer through it, well then so was she.

"Well. Gerard, Honey. When two people love each other, they want to express that love. And there are all kinds of ways to tell a person or... Show a person just how much you love them--"

"Mom?" Gerard cut her off. "No. See, I'm nineteen. This talk? Is a little late. Besides," he laughed a little. "Shouldn't Dad be the one explaining all this to me?" He paused as they passed the cemetery, he got quiet. He became serious and looked at his mother's hands on the steering wheel. "Besides. We haven't done anything yet. We're... It's a little more than some physical thing, Mom," he explained. "I can’t even explain it. So... I'm... I'm not even going to try." And for once, Gerard was happy with his answer.

They dropped the car off, and the guy promised to take real good care of it, and Gerard pretty much figured the guy would put sugar glass in place of the real window and call it a day. His mother followed him to the art store. Gerard didn't go in, couldn't without Frankie there, and it was a little crippling, the wait outside, feeling like a bum, but when his mother came back out with nearly two hundred dollars in hand, Gerard kind of felt like crying.

"Are you serious?" He asked astounded. And yes, she was serious, and handed Gerard the money. "We have to go buy his guitar. Now. Yes. Now."

Gerard all but dragged his tired mother to the music store not far from the art supplies place, and pushed the door open, elated that he was going to get Frankie's birthday gift nearly a week earlier than he had intended. "Can I help you, son?" The same old manager with longer blonde hair asked Gerard as he caught his breath. His sunglasses were tinted blue today and his tie-dye t-shirt made him look like a flower, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was if that guitar was still in stock.

Gerard nodded. "Remember I came in yesterday? And the kid I was with... Remember? And he looked good with the white Fender? Um. Is that still here?" Gerard looked at his mother and then at the old man again. He sounded crazy, but that's only because his sentences made no sense, because Gerard couldn't talk to people, but in his head they were complete, grammar driven sentences that made all kinds of sense.

The man held his arm out. "It's still there. You lookin' to buy it today for that kid?" He asked, and he was chewing a piece of gum. Or tobacco, Gerard couldn't really tell, couldn't actually care. "It's all still on sale. One fifty, cables, case, batteries. All that."

Gerard walked over to the guitar and looked up at it just hanging there. He smiled. Frankie was going to be thrilled. And Gerard was going to put that expression in his eyes. It was going to be knee weakening and Gerard couldn't wait. He nodded.

"I'll take it."

Gerard hid the guitar and all of its equipment in the hallway closet before he ran back outside to join his mother in the car again, where the talk she was attempting earlier started back up again as soon as Gerard closed the door.

"Gerard. Now. I know that..." She glanced at Gerard just as he rolled his eyes. "...You aren't exactly sure what's going on with you and Frank, but. You tell him these things that just aren't possible, dear," She sounded so worried. Possibly about Gerard's mental health. Gerard wondered for a moment if his mother thought that maybe even one friend for her son was too much; that Gerard was suddenly so terrified that he had to make things up to tell Frankie for a lack of anything better to do.

"What? What can't happen?" Gerard sat up in his seat a little; his body doing almost a full ninety degree turn to pay as much attention to his mother as possible. Her short light brown hair blowing around a little at her half open window. Her forehead was creased and that only happened when she was going to cry.

"You promise him things... They just can't happen," she replied, a keen eye on the road, though she quickly glanced at her son with apologies etched all over her face. "You tell that poor kid all the time that the two of you won't ever be separated and that you love him. And, Gerard that's... I believe that you love Frankie. Honestly, I do. But... The two of you have a week left together. Frankie's birthday is in a few days, and he'll go back to Claire's when she comes back. I'm really sorry, Gerard. I want to believe in the two of you boys as much as you do. It's just. He's got family."

Gerard felt terribly betrayed. His mother knew how to let him down like nobody else could. The entire time Gerard thought she was on his side about things, and as it turned out, she only saw the smaller picture, the present. Gerard's face felt hot, and a fiery, solid ball was forming on the back of his throat. Every time he swallowed, it burned the whole way down. "You don't... Why doesn't anybody believe in him? In me? I..." Gerard shook his head, and bit his lip as they came to a stop sign. "Mom. I promised him that he and I... We're always going to be together. I can't lie to him. I can't... He needs me. I didn't think I'd ever need anybody either. But. It's hard enough trying to breathe when he isn't around. I can't even imagine what..." Gerard croaked. "And... I mean. I know you're going to bring up the damn sex thing again, and... How, that if we do end up...." Gerard couldn't even bring himself to say it. A flash of an image of even Frankie being naked was too much for him to even think about. "You're going to say that.... It'll end. I know you. I know you will. And... God, why don't you believe that I don't want to let him go?"

Mrs. Way seemed so close to crying, Gerard felt like she looked. "I do believe in the two of you, Gerard. I know you don't want to let him go. It's just. You know Claire. She's not lenient. She tries to be, but she isn't. You have to face facts, Honey. Even if the two of you engage in any kind of physical relationship, it's not going to mean much," she said a little sadly.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Gerard threw all caution to the wind, along with his respect when using foul language in front of his mother.

"You watch your mouth, young man."

"No. Mom. What do you mean....? What? Why would any physical relationship amount to nothing between Frank and me?" Gerard's mind was practically burning out of his skull, the sound of an amputation saw buzzed through his ears. Tears welled up in the back of his eyes, as he clutched the dashboard, and prepared for the worst. "Mom... Come on. Talk to me, "Gerard pleaded. They were almost at the school, and he needed to be calm, somehow needed to relax himself, before he saw Frankie.

Mrs. Way open and shut her mouth a few times, and she looked utterly broken for her son. "Claire called last night. Her presentation went well. She has another in two days." Mrs. Way stopped to wipe a stray tear that has stolen its way down her cheek. Gerard's stomach and heart maybe stopped working. "If this one goes well, there's a good possibility that Frankie will be moving, Gerard."

Gerard swallowed the burning lump in his throat, his mouth felt as though he had just swallowed hot embers and ash. "Where?"

"Florida," she whispered. Gerard fell back against his seat just as they pulled up the school.

There weren't many kids outside, which was probably due to the winds picking up. Though he felt like a corpse, Gerard nervously stepped out of the car, and weakly smiled as Frankie ran up to him, nearly knocking Gerard against the car. As tightly as Frankie held Gerard, Gerard held on that much tighter. "I missed you," Frankie said against Gerard's chest, almost expecting to hear the same out of Gerard's mouth.

Gerard inhaled deeply through his nose. "I missed you, too, Frankie."

In the back seat, seatbelts were fastened and Gerard and Frankie were nearly twelve or more inches apart, though, connected because their hands hand fumbled and found each others, nearly knotted on the seat. Gerard kept his eyes out the window, but could feel Frankie's big orb-like ones on him, and Gerard knew the kid wanted to know what was wrong. Something in Gerard's chest felt tight, constricted, and it hurt. The entire car ride home was eerily silent, and Gerard should have said something. Anything, because Frankie deserved at least that.

And Gerard should have looked at Frankie, maybe once, because when they got into the house, he and Frankie were headed for the bathroom, because while in the forced silent car, Frankie had torn a good chunk of skin away from two of his knuckles. Gerard frowned as they made their way up to the bathroom because it was his fault. He should have said something. What would he have said? Gerard wasn't one for long speeches or even a completed sentence. He stood next to Frankie at the sink, and held the kid's hands in his own, as he helped wash away any bacteria from his hands, and all of the blood.

"I'm sorry," Frank mumbled, and winced again when Gerard added soap. Gerard slid his own wet hands along Frankie's to help wash the blood away, the soap foaming up, thick. Frankie let Gerard turn and move his hands in whatever way Gerard found necessary to clean them.

"Not your fault," Gerard replied, his voice hoarse, as if he'd been screaming the words. He felt a pang in his stomach when Frankie looked up at him, so close, his big eyes, catching Gerard off guard.

"You didn't do this, Gerard."

Gerard helped Frankie dry his hands and Gerard loved when Frankie wasn't wearing gloves. It showed him that Frankie was just as hopeless as he was, and he didn't hide it. Their hands touching was something Gerard absolutely loved. The skin on skin contact was enough to make him lose his breath, no matter how normal it would seem to anybody else.

"I might as well have," Gerard hung the towel back up on the rack, and carefully slipped his hands into Frank's, and he sighed a little, content with the feeling of his fingers twined through Frankie's, even if the kid's was stiff a little. "I'm sorry, Frankie. I should... I should have said something - anything to you... I. I didn't mean to shut you out or anything. I'm just... I." Gerard averted his eyes to the ceiling, his face flushed and hot from the contact, from his failed attempt at even speaking. The thought of Frankie moving away, so far away was already killing him, and they still had so much time left together. That week hardly felt like anything compared to the forever Frank was going to be away for.

Gerard felt one of Frankie's hands pull away only to have it ball into a fist on his chest. Gerard smiled, barely. And then Frank moved his hand up further and held Gerard's neck, just under his jaw, and stood, silent. His fingers played in Gerard's hair, where they could reach and his eyes were close to shining. "Hey..." Frankie said his voice wet, and Gerard felt that he was being too obvious and that Frank could tell something was wrong.

"Hey," Gerard echoed, because he had to. He had to. Saying something at that moment, even if it was an echo, it mattered. It was crucial.

Frank nodded a little, a small movement of his neck, almost not existent. "Hi," he smiled a little.

Gerard wasn't sure what, but he felt something in that moment. It was tense and bright all at once. It was something in Frankie's face, like an unspoken promise he was trying to transmit to Gerard. And Gerard searched and searched Frankie's face for the answer. Nothing came. Nothing was whispered or spoken. Gerard mutely took his other hand from Frankie’s and it landed somewhere around Frank's rib-cage. The bones not hidden by much, even after days of second or third helpings at lunch and dinner by Gerard's mother. And Frankie's eyes slipped shut as Gerard gripped the kid's t-shirt, and made a fist, letting go and making a fist again around the material, Frankie's hoodie unzipped as it was that morning. Gerard gave a baby step, Frankie's eyes still closed. Gerard felt his hair brush against Frank's and he exhaled quietly, because every little bit of contact suddenly felt like more than it was.

"Gerard?" Frank breathed, his eyes refused to open.

"Frankie," Gerard followed.

"Hi," Frank started their conversation over, and finally opened his eyes again. They stayed just as wide as Gerard felt his face grow painfully hot and slid his hand down Frankie's side, to the clips of his suspenders, without actually disturbing them. Gerard's hand felt hot, and Frankie's mouth was open a little. And everything was stuck in place. Tense and severely awkward. They just held each other. The bathroom door shut, and chain locked.

Time seemed to stop; Gerard wrapped his hand around Frank, and found the small of his back. They were so close, Gerard could feel the breath coming from Frankie lips, and it was the most stirring situation they had ever been in. Gerard felt clumsy, felt Frankie's hand curl around his hair in the back of his head. And things suddenly seemed to be moving too quickly. Gerard's mind in over-drive. His entire body felt warm and happy. Frankie closed his eyes again and smiled as Gerard nuzzled into Frankie's neck, and breathed. Gerard felt Frankie's head collide with his shoulder, the boy apparently finding Gerard's actions to be weakening to his delicate nerves. Gerard smiled into Frankie's neck and planted the smallest of kisses there, his lips wet. Frankie's hand still on Gerard's head, tightening its grip. And all Gerard could think about was his mother telling him that a physical relationship would amount to nothing. He could never please Frankie. He couldn't do anything that even mattered because the kid would be gone, possibly in a week's time. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

Gerard wound his other hand around Frank's back, and pulled him closer. He found that spot on Frankie's neck that his fingers had traced before and kissed there, his mouth slightly open. Frankie let out a noise that sounded as if it were a cross between a sharp intake of breath and a very contented sigh. Gerard slowly kissed a trail up Frankie's jaw and caught his lips with Frankie's eventually. They were holding each other and inched as close as they possibly could. Gerard felt brave and confident, and warm. Kissing Frankie was magic. Plain and simple.

Gerard took comfort in the fact that they weren't in his room, his mother couldn't hear them. And Gerard felt his whole body tingle, his pants tighten. He didn't want to stop, but he pulled away, because Frank had pulled away, and he looked so ashamed. Gerard thought it was his fault, thought Frankie had felt his distinct hardness, but Frankie looked down at himself and then everywhere else, his face scarlet. He grabbed his gloves off of the sink and mumbled things Gerard couldn't even make out as words, his face flaming as well.

"Frank, this..."

"Um," Frank cut in, not even bothering to look at Gerard. "I... We... I have... And then. When. And then." He looked on the verge of tears, and Gerard felt for the kid, embarrassed beyond all belief. "I can't... Be. Here. This...School. I have... School now." Frank shook his head and ran face first into the door. When Gerard tried to help him, Frankie simply shook his head. "I'm fine," unlocked the door himself, and bolted down the stairs. Gerard frowned when he heard the front door slam. He suddenly felt too ashamed, too disgusted by him self to even take care of his problem, certain that it was just going to go away by itself.

"What on Earth?" Gerard's mother strolled down the hall and into the bathroom, and Gerard had no doubts that he was no longer turned on, at all. "What happened? The poor kid just flew right out of the house," she said, surprised. Everything just fell, and Gerard was more than humiliated, his face still fiercely red.

"Nothing, Mom," Gerard brushed past her and slowly made his way to the basement where he sat. He simply sat, running the moment over and over in his head. It wasn't Frankie's fault. It was his fault. He had initiated the kiss, the touching, and he barely understood why it had even happened. Vaguely wondered to himself if it had happened before, that he would have recalled. Gerard felt so irresponsible for what he did.

Maybe his mother was right. He wasn't ready for physical contact, couldn't handle it. And Frankie must have felt even worse than Gerard. Gerard finding the kid so attractive, so completely stunning that he couldn't control himself.

After nearly an hour of thinking about it, though, Gerard had worked out that maybe Frankie too had surrendered to his physical attraction to Gerard. And as much as that should have still been embarrassing, Gerard blushed for an entirely different reason. He felt like he had Frankie entirely now. Just as Frankie had him.

Gerard kept to himself for a few hours, the whole scenario refused to leave his brain and it was getting old, and even more degrading with each time he saw that look on Frankie's face. He finally brought himself to take his mind off of things and just wish his mother wasn't in the kitchen. And to his great surprise, she wasn't.

Gerard shuffled around, winced every now and then, with the thought of picking up Frankie and Mikey from school later that day. Finally, he had made himself a sandwich that he suddenly wasn't hungry for. He needed to talk to Frankie. This couldn't just be dropped. The idea of that happening again, though was too much for Gerard and he nearly jumped out of his skin when his mother walked into the kitchen.

"What happened with you two earlier?" She folded her arms, and that meant she was serious about talking about whatever seemed to be bothering both boys so much.

"I... Nothing. Mom, I... We're fine," Gerard tip-toed around the conversation, because it was embarrassing trying to talk about it, have it happening with Frankie in the room. With his mother, it was just down right awkward.

"Did the two of you have a fight? I couldn't possibly imagine about what," she said and sat down, after she got her own coffee. "Well?" She pushed.

Gerard gave up, because that's what Gerard did, especially with his mother. He felt his face flame up again. "I was washing his hands." He paused. Maybe he could lie. No, lying to his mother was impossible. Gerard bit his lip for a moment and released it, and slurred the rest of his words together, quickly; all of them sounding like one big one. "And then we started kissing, and I didn't mean to. I just kept thinking, and thinking and you and your talks. And then he did this thing, where he breathed and it was just. Guh. And so then we both kind of, like... Heh. So, then he got scared, I got freaked and he ran." Gerard held whatever breath was left in his lungs and looked at the edge of the table, sure that his skin was going to melt off.

His mother fell back against her chair a little, obviously embarrassed as well. "See. If you're going to talk to somebody about that... Your father....Um. Should. So. Are you going to pick the boys up or should I?"

With relentless butterflies in his stomach, for so many different reasons, Gerard pulled up in front of the school to wait for Frankie and Mikey to be released from the place. It looked like a prison, and Gerard was pretty sure that's how it felt as well. At least for Frankie. Mikey really seemed to have no problem with it. Gerard heard a bell toll somewhere, which meant school, was out, because not soon after, kids tumbled out of the place like it was the circus. It didn't take Mikey long to make his way to the car, bidding all of his friends good-bye. He climbed into the front seat and smiled at Gerard, post school happiness written all over his face.

"Where's Frankie?" Gerard felt his stomach plummet, his heart following suit, until he caught a glimpse of the door, and saw Frankie slowly making his way to the car as well.

"He should be right out. I just saw him at his locker. Hey, how come you didn't drive him back today? He came back pretty early too. I asked him what was wrong and he didn't say anything." Mikey paused. "Oh don't give me that look. I don't want to get in trouble either, so I watch his back. Do you know how much of a fit Mom would have if I didn't." Mikey rolled his eyes and buckled his seatbelt just as Frankie opened the car door and slid inside, not making eye contact with anybody. His own hands doing a number on his fingers. Gerard winced as he looked at the kid in the rearview mirror.

"Hi, Frankie."

"Hi," Frankie breathed, barely loud enough to hear.

The drive home was silent, tense and brittle. Mikey sensed there was something wrong, and to Gerard's great relief, didn't ask any questions. He did however ask Gerard to drop him off a Pete's instead of going home. "I called Mom during lunch. She said it was okay." Gerard nodded and pulled into Pete's house, letting Mikey go. Frankie moved to the front seat and fastened his seatbelt, still not looking at Gerard.

"I'm... Frankie, could we please talk about this? Please?" Gerard asked after twenty minutes of watching Frankie do his homework. "I don't... Please?" From the corner of the room where Frank was all curled up, books in his lap, he nodded. Gerard felt lighter as he walked over to the kid and sat down. "What subject?"

"English." Frank waited a moment and looked up, though it still wasn't directly in Gerard's eyes. "I'm... Um, really. Like, I'm sorry about... About today."

"No. I am. You didn't... Do anything wrong.... It's just. I don't know," Gerard failed after thinking about the situation all day. Having Frank sitting right in front of him was different than thinking about the conversation in his head without him there. "Are you okay? I... With what happened?" Gerard felt himself twisting his hands around nervously, something he guessed he picked up from Frankie.

"I don't know." Frank finally looked Gerard in the face. "Are you?" Frank bit the inside of his cheek.

"Am I?" Gerard asked. "I'm... It's I don't... It's easier to think about. I guess."

"You thought about it? Like. Even after it happened?"

Gerard felt so confused. And they were tip toeing around what they should have been saying, and altogether, Gerard was sure he was going to have a coronary from humiliation. "I... Did. um. But. I didn't... Oh, God. Um. Okay. I... Frank. What happened? Was... Normal. It was. It was normal and neither one of us should be.... Embarrassed by it."

"I shouldn't think about you the way I do, though," Frank mumbled.

Gerard's heart stopped. "What do you mean?"

"I think... I. Don't... Be mad. Please?" Frank begged, and he gripped his pen so tight, Gerard was certain it was going to snap right in half, spilling ink everywhere.

"I promise."

"I mean... I think about you. Like. Like all the time." Frank licked his lips, seemingly a little more comfortable. As if he were happy to finally get this off his chest. "I... Like. Like when you protect me and just make me feel safe, I love you. You know that. Because you're helping me, and it's strictly just not... a physical, like lusty thing, ya know?" Frank's eyes were going a little wild. "So then I feel... dirty. Yeah. Yes, no, and it feels just... wrong, but then I think, because you let me kiss you, and everything. And so, maybe it's not wrong that I like you... In that way. So. What happened...? In the bathroom. I'm really sorry. But. I couldn't help it." Frank licked his lips again, shooting his eyes right into Gerard's. "It’s just. You're the first person to ever really do what you did to me today. And I didn't know... Like if it was okay."

Gerard took a moment to process that. He just let it roll around in his head, and he smirked a little. "Gerard. Come on. That's. Don't laugh."

"I'm not. Frankie. I couldn't... Really. I couldn't help it either." Gerard felt his face turn red, could see it radiating off his cheeks. "I just. Didn't know if it was okay to touch you and... I mean. I'm nineteen. This... What we have. Is a little illegal. Kind of. And... It shouldn't be. Because. Honestly? What I think we have? It's beautiful. It's so much more than anything I've ever felt before, and you do that to me. And I love it. And I love you. Okay? So. We... Can't be scared to talk about this. We're guys and that... Is bound to happen again."

"I know. So. I... Shouldn't have run away, huh? You... Were in the same boat as I was. I'm really sorry, Gerard." Frank said and hugged Gerard with sincere tightness. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Frankie."

After getting over one battle, Gerard left telling Frankie about his possible move for another day.

"Gerard?" Frankie looked up from his seat in the corner, some time after their talk, still doing his homework. Gerard was sitting on the bed, and things weren't awkward anymore, but Gerard couldn't concentrate anyway. "Can I ask you something?"

Frankie looked nervous. He sucked on his bottom lip, and Gerard nodded. "Yeah. Shoot." Gerard wasn't really drawing anything. He was simply giving Frankie time to finish his work, without any distractions other than the one before, as he talked to Frankie about what had happened in the bathroom. "But uh. Whatever it is, make sure you would say it in front of my mother. Did you know she could hear us upstairs?" Frankie's eyes went wide and his face flushed a little. He pulled back tighter into his corner.

"Never mind." He shook his head. "It was stupid anyway. Sorry." Frankie turned his attention back to his homework. All Gerard had tried to do was make conversation. Although, he would have probably kept his mouth shut too after he found out his mother heard a lot of what they were saying. Curiosity got the best of Gerard, though, and he got up, and turned the radio on, and sat down in front of Frankie, his knee bumping the kid's.

"Sorry," Gerard mumbled, a little nervously. They hadn't really spoken after sorting out things before, and Gerard felt his hands clam up a bit. But he wanted to know what Frankie wanted to ask. "Um. So. What were you going to say?" Things between Gerard and Frankie felt different. Like they had in the bathroom. Like there was this sense of something in the air, and neither one of them had the guts to admit to whatever it was that hung over their heads.

"Nothing. Um. No, it was... It was stupid. So." Frankie bit the end of his pen, his face red again. "Nothing. Um. I... Nothing. Never mind. I'll..." Frankie trailed off, and straightened his paper a little. Gerard didn't know why Frankie wouldn't take the desk. He had offered it before. But, Frankie seemed to have an affinity for corners, spaces against the wall. Gerard thought that was because it made Frankie feel like nothing could get him, or hurt him if there was no space open for anything to crawl or get through. Gerard smiled, because he was right. He knew he was, because he was like that at Frankie's age, maybe younger.

"No. Frankie, tell me. I... I won't laugh or anything. I swear. I mean... How..? How could I? That's just... No. Come on. Shoot." Gerard drew his knees into his chest, and caught himself for that second time that day acting as Frankie would. And it took Frankie a moment to look up at the vent, and then back at this homework. He gave in.

"Alright. So. This. This is so lame," Frankie muttered more to himself than to Gerard. "Okay. Gerard, um. We have to write this paper and we have to write about something or somebody that we love. I don't... A lot of kids... They fucking. We had to like. We had to say out loud to the teacher who we were going to write it on. And like. Somebody said their cat. Like, what the fuck, right? And some other kids said their parents. And... Well." Frank went quiet for a moment, and picked at the carpet on the floor. "And like." He dropped his gaze to the floor as well. "I was going to say guitar. But. Like. I don't really know how to play. Yeah. I love it, but I'm still amateur. So. I didn't really think that counted. Right? And so the teacher went down the line and the first thing that came to mind..." Frank took a deep breath, and didn't lift his head, just his eyes to look up at Gerard. "The first thing that came to mind was you, Gerard."

"Frankie, I. Wow." Gerard didn't really know what else to say. "Um. Why...? How come you couldn't just tell me that?"

"Uhm. 'Cause. No. I mean, I need to talk to the person, and ask them why they love me or don't love me back. And... I think the people that used just inanimate objects are, like fucked, 'cause... I mean, right?" Frank slid his feet on the floor and sat up a little more. "So. I just need your part now, and then I'm done. With all this crap. So. Um. Do you mind?"

"Aw, yeah. Ask anything you need." Gerard bit his tongue as he waited for Frankie to look over his written work, and then he cleared his throat. Gerard rested his chin on his own knee, and ran a finger up and down Frankie's shin.

"Um. When you first met me, what were your first thoughts? Honest." Frank's hand was poised over the paper for notes or to simply start writing. Gerard bit his lip. He remembered that day too much.

"Oh, um. I... Honestly? I didn't want to be at your house. I... Knew why I was going, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Fuck. Um. I was scared. Like, shitless. Um. And then... And then I saw you, and like. Something either clicked or fell apart. I mean. I still don't know. I mean, I had never really spoken to anybody before family and some little shit. But. And, Frankie you were bleeding. And you were in a tree house. I... I thought you were weird. I'm sorry. I did, and..."

Frankie laughed a little. "Don't. Don't be sorry. I didn't like you either."

"Oh, thanks, Frankie," Gerard smiled, mock crushed by the boy's words.

Frankie caught Gerard's moving finger and held on to it. "No. I mean. We both have... We're both like... We were afraid. We still are. So, I didn't... Um. Continue," Frank pulled his eyebrows together and bit his lip, pen poised.

"Um. The tree house, right?" Gerard asked, and Frankie let go of his finger. When Gerard dropped his finger to the floor, and Frankie made an agitated noise for Gerard to put it back, he did. "Um. So... I thought you were weird. I didn't know. I didn't know how your dad had died, and I didn't... I don't know. You were just. I couldn't even tell, but there was something about you that made me want to go back, that didn't make me afraid of you," Gerard smiled. "I'm still not sure what it is."

Gerard held his breath, and traced his finger up and down Frankie's leg. He waited for the next question, nervous for it. Gerard wasn't one for random surveys about love, but Frankie was already asking his next questions, and Gerard could do nothing about it, but try and think of his answer. "And... How? How do you feel about...? Me now?"

It didn't feel like Frankie had read the question off of the paper. Gerard was sure the kid wouldn't lie about it, but intensity was pulling at his chest, and Gerard was sure the strings pulling him had to be attached to Frankie's heart on the other end. Their eyes wouldn't meet. Not for more than three seconds, before one of them blushed so hard, they were sure the house would catch fire. It was obvious how Gerard felt about Frankie. It was obvious too, how Frankie felt about Gerard.

"Now? Umm." Gerard's hands were clamming up, going cold and sweaty. He'd said this before. He had told Frankie that he loved him before. Saying it, though felt almost forced or strained, and Gerard more than hated that feeling. He didn't want to tell Frankie that he felt awkward around the kid. It was breaking his heart just to think about it. And Gerard felt his eyes sting. He couldn't tell if it was the way Frankie asked, or the fact that he was moving away and this paper meant close to nothing for his class. "Um. Right now, I just really want to kiss you."

Since they had begun their adventure of kissing each other, it was always something Gerard did to make Frankie forget, to make him not feel other things. If things got bad, Gerard kissed or let Frankie kiss him. It had grown into more than that with each passing day and every time their lips locked. It became heated or more relaxed. It might have been both. Gerard just wanted to test the protection, the safety net that he felt Frankie building under him.

"You want...?" Frankie didn't look at Gerard, but at his paper. "But, Gerard..."

Gerard licked his lips and shook his head. "Please? This just feels... I don't know. I need it to feel right again," Gerard begged. Frankie looked over at Gerard as if he completely understood what Gerard meant by what he said. "That's. That's how I feel about you right now." Gerard folded his legs into front of him and dropped his head into his hands. "But we don't have to. I mean. It's... You know how I feel about you... Obviously. But. I don't." Gerard cut himself off and played his shoelace. Frankie was quiet. "I... Frankie. Say something. That shouldn't... Have been weird."

"I don't want to talk about it," Frankie said. Gerard felt defeated, and knew that later, this too was going to be weird for them to talk about. He felt stupid for even saying what he did, but Frankie didn't want to deal with it, and Gerard had to respect that. Gerard went to stand up when Frankie grabbed his hand to stop him. Gerard looked at the kid, tense and confused. "But... That doesn't mean. That I don't want to kiss you," Frank meant. Gerard's head space felt different, felt clouded as Frankie leaned forward, scared and almost shaking from nerves. Gerard could feel himself become resistant as well. He didn't want it to be weird. The music in the background sounded fuzzy, though that might have only been in Gerard's head. After an uneasy, sensitive moment, the two were close enough to feel how hot each other's breath was, and Gerard couldn't swallow the lump in the back of his throat. "Hi," he muttered.

Frankie searched Gerard's face for something, and Gerard just wished that whatever the kid was looking for was actually there. "Hey," Frankie whispered back. "Hi." Gerard felt his hand move by itself to Frankie's jaw, and the kid sighed. Gerard could feel his hair brush against Frankie's and he finally kissed him, because it was all becoming too much all at once.

Frankie's lips were hot, and Gerard was sure his was too. The exchange of heat and their rather ungraceful sitting positions were uncomfortable, though that wasn't enough for either of them to pull away. Gerard didn't feel awful for kissing Frankie again. It felt good. Gerard had feared that either he or Frankie would find something wrong, find that things weren't right anymore, pull away and forever be fidgety around each other. When Gerard felt Frankie's tongue, though on his own, things felt better. He felt better. Gerard sighed, just exhaled a little onto Frankie's lips, and the kid shivered a little. Their eyes met, and then Gerard shivered a little. He pressed his lips to Frankie's again, and the kid shifted and began moving, their lips still locked. He'd crawled right into Gerard's lap.

"Frankie..."

"I know," Frankie answered, and even Gerard didn't know what he was going to say. "No. I don't know. I just... Don't want you to go away," Frank pleaded. "Don't go away."

"I'm right here. It's okay," Gerard assured him. "I'm not going anywhere," he whispered.

"Yeah... But. What? What if...? Frankie licked his lips and rolled his eyes. "What if, like...?" His hands rested on Gerard's shoulders, and he couldn't seem to speak at all. Gerard felt his face get hot, and he realized what Frankie had meant. What if they went too far? What if they didn't get scared this time? What if they did? What was going to happen then? Gerard felt dizzy, like he'd fall over at any minute, and Frankie wouldn't look away from him. The kid's neck and cheeks, just as flushed as Gerard's was, maybe more, because he had actually brought the elephant in the room back up. Gerard shook his head, because he honestly didn't know what was going to happen. He just understood that he didn't want things to be stressful again. He couldn't let them get that way. Frankie didn't deserve that.

"I don't know," Gerard answered honestly. "Frankie, I... I'm not leaving you though."

Frankie nodded, and blinked. "But I left. You. I left you today too. I didn't..." Frankie blinked again and surrendered his lips to Gerard. All Gerard could do was kiss back. He didn't know what was going through Frankie's mind, and he barely understood the words in his own. They couldn't communicate. It was hard, and Frankie was kissing hard, nearly forcing Gerard back onto the floor. Gerard did all he could to hold himself up, and hold Frankie's waist at the same time. "I can't... We... Gerard," Frank stammered when he pulled away. "Um. We. We have to get over this. We have to. We have to. I... Right? Don't we?" Frankie looked at Gerard with large, wet eyes, his lips red and hot. Gerard's mouth went insanely dry.

Frankie made a point though. They had to get used to themselves being boys around each other. After all, this wasn't going to be the last time something like this would come up. Gerard had a flash in his mind of waking up wet and hard, and he blushed with embarrassment and sickness. What if the same happened to Frankie? Gerard bit his tongue. Slowly, he nodded. "We should. But. If... I don't want to... If you're scared. Don't... Force it, okay? We'll just..." Gerard nodded and brought one hand to Frankie's jaw again, and kissed him so softly, Gerard barely felt it. "Don't... Think about it," Gerard mumbled against Frankie's lips.

"But I do," Frankie choked. "Think about it all the time." He stroked a hand down Gerard's face and smiled, embarrassed. "I love you. It's right. Isn't it? Wanting... You. I don't even." Frank bit the inside of his cheek. "Gerard, I don't even... I don't know how or... I want you. Or. Something. Is? Is that wrong?" Frank wrinkled his forehead, and Gerard's mouth went even more dry, his head feeling light. This new information doing remarkable things to his body. Warm and tingling. Frankie wanted whatever this was just as much as Gerard did.

"I don't... Know. No. It doesn't... It's not wrong. It doesn't feel wrong. I want to keep you safe, though. Frankie. You're so innocent, you're. So small, and--"

"--Don't," Frank said. "That's... That's not fair. I. Gerard. No. More. No, it's more than that. It's. You treat me like. I'm not a kid. You call me 'kid' sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, but you don't treat me like it. You're... I feel like you. Like I matter to you."

"Because you do, Frankie. You do matter to me," Gerard whispered, and kissed Frankie's nose. Frankie smiled at that. "Frankie. I... I don't know what to do," Gerard said hopelessly, the music behind him forming so much static in his head that he couldn't even imagine what radio station would play Fiona Apple, or why he would be listening to a radio station that played Fiona Apple. Gerard shook his head. "I don't know what to do," he repeated. Frank leaned forward and kissed Gerard's cheek. He wrapped his gloved hands around Gerard's neck, the material hot from Frankie's hands.

"Let's... Just be us," Frankie whispered against Gerard's ear, his breath hot, lips wet. Gerard couldn't help but nod. "Me and you, Gerard," Frankie breathed against Gerard's neck, and he shivered. Gerard didn't want Frankie to have that kind of effect on him, but he was spineless, and the kid did. He kissed Gerard slightly, at the corner of his mouth. "Think about, Gerard. All the time," Frankie continued, his throat closing; Gerard could hear it. So, instead of talking anymore, Gerard kissed Frankie, almost instantly letting himself let go, and brush his tongue against Frankie's lips, emitting the slightest, and the smallest of giggles from Frankie. They were going to be okay, Gerard thought.

With weak, very brittle confidence riding behind him, Gerard buried his face into Frankie's chest and apologized for nothing at all, and carefully planted small kisses on Frankie's neck. Gerard felt the muscles work, and Frankie tilted his head to the side a little. He felt Frankie shiver again a little bit, and that only seemed to fuel Gerard's confidence, his need to give himself to Frankie, and let go. Experimentally, Gerard let his eyes slip shut, opened his mouth, barely, and he felt Frankie tense all over, goose bumps forming along his skin. Gerard couldn't find his own hands until Frankie squeezed on, nearly breaking a bone or two; He didn't realize they were holding hands. The kid whimpered pleasantly. Gerard's legs were going numb under Frankie's weight, but he didn't care.

Gerard felt afraid he was doing something wrong. He held tightly on to Frankie's hand. "Frankie," he whispered against the kid's wet skin. Gerard kissed and rolled his tongue against Frankie's skin and just let his ears open to hear Frankie, because the kid's breathing had gone shallow. Gerard whimpered. "Frankie, say something..." he begged, because he had to hear Frankie's voice. This didn't feel right or, something was off. Frankie didn't talk though. He pushed his legs out, on to either side of Gerard, and Gerard felt Frankie's body shudder. His too was getting used to the feeling of Frankie rubbing hard against him. Gerard's head snapped up, and Frankie dropped his forehead on to Gerard's shoulder. "It's okay, Frankie."

Gerard felt Frankie nod, and he just held him, stood them up. "Gerard...? Hm, Gerard, what're you doing?" Frankie asked, panting.

"Stand up, Frankie," Gerard ordered. "Please?"

Frankie stood up, and pressed himself close to Gerard. "It feels..." Frankie trailed off, and finally opened up his eyes to Gerard. And Gerard couldn't stop himself, kissed Frankie, and backed them up into the wall. Frankie was most comfortable when he felt safe. Frankie felt safe in corners, against walls. Gerard just wanted Frankie safe, protected. Their hands stayed clasped together, and Gerard pressed himself up against Frankie, against the wall. Frankie pressed back even harder. The feeling of their hardness beneath their jeans was awkward, but together it felt good. Just like everything else when Gerard was in Frankie's presence. Separate they were nothing. Together, they felt better. It felt right. And Gerard realized, though his face was burning hot, that this, any physical relationship they wanted to have would be fine, because it was just like the mental, emotional relationship they had. Frankie pushed his hips forward and at the same moment, Gerard and the kid let out identical noises, the radio blaring in the background.

"It's okay," Gerard whispered as Frankie bit his lip.

"Yeah, yes," Frankie nodded.

It was like they were connecting on another plain, another avenue than emotionally, it just felt better.